Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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