Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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