Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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