dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
