his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
