He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
