Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
