I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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