I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
