dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
