There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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