My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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