Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
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