and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
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I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
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Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that