Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
