she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
