the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
