And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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