I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
