half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
