I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
