this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
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You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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