yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
