i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
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I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
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Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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