Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
