I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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