He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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