Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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