I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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