someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
