The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
my liver is dry heaving
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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