I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
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You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
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They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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