so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
