I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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