he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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