I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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