i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
