I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
