Im at strip club and am horny
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Randomize
