Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.