I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants