Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.