I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
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Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
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Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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