You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
