so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
this will be a night to untag.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
