Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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