SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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