I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
