Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
