is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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