Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
