Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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