I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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