I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
