i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
