Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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