Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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