I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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