My sheets look like a crime scene.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
