Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the day after is always just damage control
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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