Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
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If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
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The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess