Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Randomize
