I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
