he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
