We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
