Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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