laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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