just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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